Learning about PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) in the venue of a Veteran was imperative for our organization. I read books, talked to Veterans and did my research. This is so important to us because getting inside their minds, will help us train specifically each dog. Ultimately helping Veterans to live a ‘normal’ life…..

I began receiving emails from Jamey about a week after we paired him with Service Dog Tiger.  His writing about Tiger and different situations had me in tears.  Happy tears filled with joy at how their bonding was forming, tears from laughing so hard at the visual he portrayed, and sad tears for all he was struggling with.  Jamey’s writes very descriptive and eloquently. I immediately asked him if he would continue writing about his experiences, this could be beneficial for him, our organization and for other Veterans.

I posted a blog about his experiences  PTSD- In a Marines Words, a week ago. I received many emails, texts and phone calls about it. Every one’s bottom line was the same: Jamey’s writing was honest and profound. They all wanted more………

Here it is:

From Jamey:

The dreaded store, oh… how I loathe thee. Once upon a time, shopping was fun… or as fun as spending money and walking around a store can be (for a guy). Now, thanks to PTSD, it is much like navigating a deadly gauntlet, full of death traps, bottle-necks, choke points, and dead ends. Like I’ve said before, I have good days (not completely bad), bad days, and really bad days (nightmarish); that all applies to store experiences as well.

These days, even through the therapy and meds, I DO NOT WASTE TIME IN STORES (except with Tiger, as I will explain later on). I understand that it is important for me to expose myself as much as possible, but if I know what I (or we) need… I am on a mission, in and out. I walk fast, know exactly where I am going, get there quick… get it, and get out quick. I don’t really feel bad for the browsers who mingle at a snail’s pace and get caught in my way, but I do feel bad for the elderly or people who physically can’t make it out of my way quick enough… and I only feel bad for them after the fact. When I walk into, let’s say, a grocery store… I grab a kart and go. The kart is a hindrance already, it makes me bigger and harder to maneuver around… but I start weaving in and out of shoppers and then BOOM! I turn into an isle that has 4 people in it… I let out the breathe I had been holding since I got into the store as I try to figure out if I should go to another isle or go around to the other side of the isle… or plow through them. I’m lucky after that, if I even remember what I needed on that isle. I absolutely lose my mind. My wife has sent me to the grocery store with a list of 12 items. It took me over an hour; I didn’t get 4 things that were on the list and got 6 things that weren’t on the list; I was completely wrecked when I got home. I’ve panicked so intensely that I’ve nearly pushed one of the isle displays over trying to get out from in between two other shoppers and their karts. There are just too many isles and not enough ways out of them in grocery stores… they’re like mazes to me now. I almost feel like I am Pac-Man when I am trying to navigate through one. Often times at grocery stores (and other stores), I catch people looking at me… here comes the paranoia and anxiety. I then have no other choice but to stare back. In all reality, they’re not staring at me, but because I am staring at them with such a creepy (and scared) look on my face, they are looking back at me… probably wondering, “what the **** is this guy staring at?” I’ve validated this through a completely sane person (my wife), who has been in the grocery store with me; she has nearly had to leave because I couldn’t stop doing this. I was becoming overwhelmed, in turn, it was overwhelming her. How PTSD has affected my family and family life is for another date as well.

Some of the variables in grocery stores that make things harder than they have to be are rude shoppers who think the isle is theirs and theirs alone. They can park their kart on one side and stand on the other; those people don’t budge. Some people think that the isle has lanes, like a road; the right side is for going one way and the left side the other; if so, where are the arrows and signs? Also, since I am in a military town, some of the shoppers think their rank carries over to the grocery store (mainly older women and pissed off senior enlisted); sorry, but I will respect you in the grocery store, but if you’re in my way, I will go around you. Another big variable in the grocery store is my son. God bless him, he is our pride and joy, but when he is having a bad time… the whole store will know about it; the lights shut off and the spotlights and laser show descends upon my forehead… LOOK AT ME! And… then my panic attack destroys me from the inside out. Grocery stores (to include Wal-Mart) are my Achilles Heel. They still, to this day scare the crap out me.The stores Tiger has been in with me and been the most help with have been Home Depot, Toys R Us, Shoe Carnival, Hot Topic, and GameStop. In these stores and future stores, Tiger allows me to mingle and browse more.  Especially at Home Depot (we go once or twice a month), he knows his way around and feels right at home. The Home Depot people greet us with a smile and make it enjoyable for us to go and just browse. It’s never packed there, which is good for me… it’s always a good place to go.

It may seem like I exaggerate a lot with my symptoms… I do. At times, looking back, it’s almost comical. I read some of the things I write and laugh, but when I am feeling them, they aren’t funny at all. At times what I feel can be like a living nightmare. My own paranoia and anxiety are two beasts in themselves… they feed each other and I still haven’t figured out how to defeat them. Each problem, as it surfaces, presents itself as a whole different challenge that I must adapt to. Symptoms get worse and better, then worse again. The therapy has given me tools that are helpful at times, but are not ALWAYS useful. It is tough to think of calming breathing when you’re frozen in the middle of Chuck E. Cheese’s with your son… you know?  I live my life day-to-day and everyday is a challenge.

In other words, stay tuned… it’s an ongoing battle.